H P Parody: The Real Ron and Lavender Story
by Triwizard Hero
Summary: I was bored and had alot of random stuff in my head so I put it on paper. This is the what happened if Ron ended the relationship a bit early... a bunch of randomness included. References to a pop culture.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**Most of this is based on the Half-Blood Prince film, not book. Only because I saw the movie like eighty times and read the book only once, like three years ago. Point made.**

**There are multiple references to Youtube videos and other pop culture. It also includes cut scenes.**

**(Theme Song)**

My name's Harry P to the O to the T to the T to the E to the R, you see.

He's a magic man; he puts the hex in the city.

Don't call him Harry Potter

Cuz my name is H Piddy

Harry Potter has a friend. His name is Ron.

"Will you wear my necklace, Ronald?" Asked Lavender Brown. Lavender is… an idiot (in short).

"No, I will not wear that crappy necklace." Said Ron. "I don't give a damn if you're my girlfriend-You know what, Lavender Brown? WE ARE THROUGH." Ron yelled at her fast and spat on the necklace. Harry knew exactly what he's thinking. "That saves time. Now when I get poisoned and stuff we won't have to go through this again." Ron stood up and walked off.

How did Ron and Lavender's relationship end like this?

Triwizard Hero presents

The Real Ron and Lavender Story

Cut scene: Well it all started when Ron won the Quidditch match against Slytherin. In the Gryffindor common room they had a big celebration. Suddenly Ron and Lavender were kissing. Everyone in the common room burst into applause. Hermione turned and ran away. Harry watched as she left the common room to the Grand Staircase.

Harry found Hermione sitting by herself. He must have startled Hermione because she pulled out her wand and yelled "AVADA KE- oh it's you, Harry." Hermione was crying and sobbing.

"Hey, Hermione."

"How does it feel Harry? When you look at her?"

"Who might that be?"

"Professor McGonagall."

Harry looked at her like "WTF?"

"Hermione, I seriously don't know what you're talking about."

"I see the way you look at her. How does it feel to see her with Dumbledore?" Hermione asked.

Harry sighed. Hermione had caught him. He was secretly in love with McGonagall. He loved her wrinkled old skin and green robes. "I feel a bit jealous. Is that how it is with you and Ron?"

Hermione nodded. "Yeah."

Suddenly Dobby came. "Harry Potter. I am forever in Harry Potter's debt. Please, Mister Potter can you spare some galleons?"

"Shut up Dobby and get out my face." Harry said. He took a quill out of his pocket and threw it at Dobby's eye.

"AHHH." Dobby screamed.

"Well you saved Bellatrix quite a bit of work." Hermione laughed.

Once again in the hallway as before-

Ron got up and walked away. "I hate you, Lavender Brown. Go talk to Colin Creevy or something." He said. Lavender threw her necklace on the ground. Dobby came and picked the necklace up.

"DOBBY IS FREE!" Dobby yelled.

"You were already free, Dobby." Hermione pointed out. Dobby looked up. "Right." Suddenly Seamus and Neville came up to Harry.

"We're creating a club, Harry. Wanna join?" Asked Neville.

"What's it called?" Asked Harry.

"The I heart Voldemort club."

"Cool. Hey, maybe you could hook a wand up to my scar and we could prank call him all day through my connection with him." Harry laughed.

"Doesn't Voldy have caller ID?" Wandered Neville.

"Did you hear? Angelina, Susan Bones and Dennis Creevy are creating a dance group. They gonna compete on this season of Europe's Best Dancing Wizards." Seamus said. Down the hall Susan and Dennis were break dancing and doing the "Dobby".

"Teach me how to Dobby, teach me, teach me how to Dobby. Everybody Dobby, every, everybody Dobby. You ain't messing with my Dobby." Shouted Angelina.

"Not, bad." Harry had to admit.

"So Ron, what was all that with Lavender back there?" Asked Neville.

"That little whore ruined my life. She poisoned me. It wasn't Draco it was Lavender. She asked Trelawney for look into her glass ball thing and knew that I'd be filled with love potion. Lavender thought that I was cheating on her with Romelda Vane. Like I'd want to go out with that slut? I mean really, she even tried to seduce Harry in the library." Ron explained

Cut scene: In the library Romelda is reading a book by the window. Hermione and Harry are standing close by.

"You see that girl over there? That's Romelda Vane. She was making love potion in the bathroom." Hermione said. Harry smiles and looks over at Romelda. Romelda winks back.

"She's only interested in you because you're the chosen one." Hermione said.

"But I am the chosen one." Harry said and then pulled out his wand and shot a bolt of light at Hermione. "Before you even try to smack me with that Daily Prophet I'm going to go get me some digits." Harry said.

"But Harry, we don't even use phones." Hermione pointed out.

"So I'll get the name of her owl." Harry said.

"It's not that easy Harry. I know that you are shy around girls. When you talk to an attractive girl, it's not supposed to be easy." Hermione said, "Only for players and confident guys is it supposed to be easy. I mean, when I try to talk to guys in the common room… it's… it's really hard."

"LOL That's what she said!" Said Nigel, coming up from behind her. Harry laughed.

"Hermione I think I can handle this." Harry said and with that he walked right up to Romelda.

"Hey, big boy." Romelda said. Nigel and Hermione watched closely.

"Was your dad a thief? He must've stolen the stars and put them in your eyes." Harry tried to win her over.

"Harry." Romelda started. "How about we go somewhere… quiet." Romelda looked into his eye.

"Romelda I promised myself that I'd stay abstinent until I was 21…" And with that Harry walked away.

Back in the hallway- as before

"You see? Romelda is the biggest slut you will ever meet." Ron told them. "And Lavender is too. Poisoning someone is attempted murder. "

"So is giving someone AIDS." Neville said. The whole hallway went silent and stared at him.

"What? I'm just saying that Romelda tried to give Harry… never mind." Neville walked away.

"Romelda has AIDS?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, dude. She's been HIV positive for eight years." Seamus said.

"Oh. Well that's better than Pansy. She has Syphilis, did you know that?" Ron said.

"GUYS! Can we stop talking about inappropriate stuff and STD's? There are first years walking around." Harry said _Thank god this fan fic is rated T _Harry thought.

"Either way don't they have like a potion or something to cure AIDS and STD's?" Asked Seamus.

"Yeah, but I think sluts like them just keep the diseases to let some people know how bad they are. If you screwed Romelda then afterwards all you have to do is go down to that one shop in Hogsmeade and buy I vial of "AIDS Be Gone" potion." Replied Ron.

"What's AIDS?" Asked a first year walking up to them. Then another walked up and asked the same question.

"EVERYONE UNDER THE CLOAK!" Cried Harry and he whipped out his cloak of invisibility. Seamus, Ron, Neville and Harry all squeezed into the cloak and tried to walk away.

"We can see your feet, Harry Potter and friends." Said the first years. Doesn't that give you a weird feeling, saying Harry Potter and friends? If the series was called that I don't think it would have this large of a fan base. Imagine this: Harry Potter & Friends: The Sorcerers Stone. Weird, right? Anyway Harry and friends were able to "escape".

**That's all for now. I only wrote this becuase Winter Break was boring. It's random. **


End file.
